Psalms 19
“The heavens declare the glory of God; the sky displays his handiwork.”
Everything originates from God.
That much has been told.
He created us, he has a plan for each and everyone of us but at the same time gives us freewill.
But why?
Creation of Earth and all the pretty stuff is understandable.
But why does He choose to create us?
Even more so, why does He plan for the fall, and the temptations and make Himself feel so upset?
I don’t get it.
What are we?
And what do our dreams represent?
Why does God give us dreams?
Why, why, why?
So many questions.
So many uncertainties.
But life in itself is an uncertainty.
I know not what the next moment may bring.
It’s just getting worse ain’t it?
The differences between reality and my illusions are blurring.
Maybe I don’t want to know.
Because it might be scary.
Maybe I don’t want to commit.
Because I’m afraid I’ll be disappointed.
God, who/what are you?
You’re highly paradoxical.
I guess I am too.
We all are.
-When I don’t desire God: The call to fight for Joy in God-
Fight for joy in the Lord, fight for Joy for the Lord.
From what I gather, the fight itself comes from God.
I mean ultimately, everything IS from God.
And ”If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.”
That much I’ve heard.
The challenge for me now isn’t to recognise that.
It’s to believe.
I guess faith is a big word.
Faith is the very fundamental aspect of life.
I mean, everything falls on belief.
You have to belief what others tell you in order to make it your reality.
You have to belief that things are the way they are.
And I think, I don’t have it.
I don’t believe much now and I don’t think I know what happiness is.
I don’t know anything.
I don’t know reality.
“Satan seeks more than anything to destroy our faith. (…) faith is what Satan targets. If faith is going to endure, with its joy in God, we must fight.”
Fight.
Fight against Satan.
Fight with the Lord.
Fight.
Is that life is all about?
Is that why fights occur all around?
Because they are deceived to fight themselves, each other instead of for joy?
I don’t get it.
What’s faith?
What is it built upon?
How do you believe?
It feels like that box again.
That dark empty box.
How do you know there’s light when you can’t see anything?
Just believe?
How.
I want to believe.
I want to have faith.
How.
Maybe that’s why I’m always tired.
Everyone else has their own reality to rely on.
They believe in something, somewhere.
What about me?
What’s my reality?
Desolation.
Isolation.
The possibility of leaving.
To lose my memory.
Forget the thoughts.
Get rid of the voices.
Get some peace.
Wouldn’t that be nice?
16 years.
You’ve been screaming at me.
A mistake.
A failure.
A useless being.
Unwanted.
Abandoned.
Left to rot.
16 years.
That’s 192 months.
About 5760 days.
138240 hours at least.
That’s a long time.
How long more?
It hurts.
So much, it’s almost numbed.
You know you’re alive when you care.
What about when you don’t?
I’ve been told, God doesn’t make mistakes.
Everything is planned.
I’d like to believe that.
I’d like to believe someone in this world planned for me.
That I didn’t spring out from wonderland and be the sore thumb.
I’d like to believe I’m wanted.
It’s all so hard.
It’s all so painful.
To be fighting yourself all the time.
You destroy yourself.
And you can’t explain it.
My box seems to be expanding.
Because it takes so long to reach any wall to reach out now.
It’s tiring.
I wish God were tangible.
I wish God would really be around for me to hug and cry to.
I wish I had someone like that.
But it’s my fate I presume.
All I’ve got since I was born is myself.
I really want God to be real.
Nothing much has been real.
Everything fades away and leaves.
God never leaves right?
I guess so.
I hope God doesn’t hate me too.
That would be sad.
To have your creator hate you.
I’ve heard that one too many times.
I don’t know anymore.
Nothing feels real anymore.
